RCMP: You’re In…You’re Out
I’ve started many times writing this blog, only to erase it and start all
over again. I’d be finished and ready to press the send button but then got
too frightened to actually send it. Then I’d think to myself, they got me!
They are able to control my emotions without even trying. How pathetic am I?
I’m disappointed that I’d do this to myself. That I could let myself down
like this. Is this how I want my children to behave when they are treated
wrong, to scurry away? So I do this for my children.
My story is very similar to many of the other members I know. I joined the
RCMP thinking that I would save a corner of the world. I built a lot of
friendships and had a lot of laughs. I think back at the good times and they
still bring a smile to my face. I’d get emails from members I used to work
with replaying some of the files that we went too and I would be laughing
with tears streaming from my eyes about some of the stuff we used to do.
What we did right, what we did wrong and what we could have done better. You
all know the stories, you have them too.
Then one day I was assaulted at work by a supervisor who was stalking me for
months after he hacked into my computer. He knew my every emotion, how I was
feeling, where I was going, what I was planning to do. I caught him with a
document from my computer and reported it to a supervisor. Management tried
to sweep it under the carpet and turned the tables on me. The once good
child I was had now become a difficult child with behavioral issues.
Management who used to adore me, now despised me. And the friendly emails I
used to receive had now vanished. I found out very quickly who my friends
were and believe me I have very few in the force now. I was the member that
had leprosy. Everyone stares at you but doesn’t talk to you. When you look
at them, they turn away, avoid eye contact or walk in the opposite
direction. Or I’d get that lopsided embarrassed smile.
I remember when I did just that to other members too. Before it happened to
me. I’d hear all the stories and would avoid the members that had issues.
I’d give the lopsided embarrassed smile. And it was so unfair because that’s
what it really was-stories and rumors. No one really knows the true story
except the person going through it. A lot has been said about me and most of
it is untrue and hurtful but what do I expect, I did the same thing to
others. People go along to get along. So I can’t blame them. I will not be
judged by consensus.
I do know this though, when you go through a situation like this you meet
other people with the same experiences. You build new friendships with
people that understand you. I actually have become a better person, the past
is a good teacher. I have enough opponents, I don’t need to be my biggest
one. Mind you, I still get agitated, I still get frustrated, I still burst
out in tears when I think someone is chasing and about to assault me. And I
definitely still get the nightmares. And like many of you I still get the
threats from management but I now understand that threats only come from a
position of weakness.
We all create our realities and this is mine.